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pyropenguin0109
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Location: Flo Mo, Texas, United States
Birthday: 1/9/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: Naruto, some anime and some manga, religion, people, psycology, games, IM, gaia, other things...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
AIM:  Want it ask me :o
Member Since:
2/21/2004
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| Oh nostalgia, I have been listening to a lot of LP this last week. Mostly because A Thousand Suns comes out tomorrow =D! And also just because go through a phase every so often where I only listen to one band, and right now it it LP's turn again. Now I have listened to A Thousand Suns on myspace, because they posted it up there. And I listened to it once through and wasn't sure how I felt about it. But after reading and article about it *was on Mike S's site* and it made sense. What critics expect is for a band to never change, and thats kinda of... lame when you think about it. Its like having to decide who you are when you are 18 and never being to develop after that. I can honestly say I have changed quite a bit since age 13 to now, and even just in the recent years. I'm somewhat different every year I would say.. I mean I am, as a whole, still the same person, but I am evolving. And that is the same thing with LP. They are, as a band, still the same people, they are just exploring different types of music and trying to put their mark on the world. When I go by the cd tomorrow, I'm going to listen to it through and try and see it as a whole and not pick it apart song by song. Initially I did not like Minutes to Midnight, I didn't realize how great a cd it was until later, when I really listened to it, and stopped expecting the old music style. The first two cds they came out with were angst and being depressed and oh man life sucks you suck everyone sucks. They have since moved to a different point in their life, as most people do. I have moved pasted that part in my life as well, at least for the most part, of course depression strikes and I'm back there for a little bit, but on a majority this is not the case. LP has now become very political and world view oriented in their music. In this new cd, there are different styles of music and there are quotes from famous leaders, about destruction and the Nbomb. I'm not sure what all comes from that, since I only listened to it once, and really wasn't LISTENING to it for the lyrics and meaning, but next time I will <3 I really do like LP x). Mostly Mike S >.>... Since he was one of the founders I feel that is an alright person to lay most of my LP obsession on. Also, when I think LP I think about the art... which is his lol.. its really good stuff and yeah x) yay for Mike Shinoda. Oh also I have stopped hating Jay-Z and listened to the LP Jay-Z album and liked it, see i changed xD!
I mostly needed to type this out xDDD been thinking about it too long also, my netbook is fun to type on and I didn't want to do prob/stats hw anymore. Although I really should because its due tomorrow.. like my physics homework and I still have to do that and read for my physics lab AHHH SO MUCH TO DO Also I'm hella hungry and don't get to go home until 6ish :/ HUNGRYYYY | | |
| ._. Seriously, seems like I've forgotten this existed. Hah, well I guess thats great =D Since xanga is my rant, vent, I hate life, and my depressed go to site xD. =D Good news! I'm not depressed, not here to rant, or vent. Just here because I'm bored and I don't feel like sleeping. And Its been a blast from the past kind of day so I thought I would come on here =). I've definitely come a long way since I started this, and I'm very glad for that. Gee I used to be messed up, and there are only a few people out there, who I think truly know what a shitty place I was in and one of them rose from their internet death today! =D Which was cool talking to an old friend again, its been awhile and we have both finally grown up and seem to be out of that shitty age of crap. Its just kinda neat talking to people you've known for long time. I like the not having to get to know them part mostly, since I'm finally realizing how weird and difficult it is to make friends from scratch @-@! Also, totally am aware of how awkward I am to people I don't know :/. Its sad really. I don't mean to be awkward, but I am, I can't help it, I guess thats jut who I am. Oh well I will deal with it =D! Hopefully I can't keep that friends I have and eventually I will make more <3. I love my friend btw <3 and family <3 and of course my awesome fiance ^-^! And I totally appreciate everything relationship I have with all of them, but cause I have completely become aware of the time that went into all of it, the bonds what have been made, and how important they are =D! I really hope that they all know this >.< and that I really am happy I am friends with them, or related to them, or for my fiance that I am completely in love with him <3 =)!! Cause I am!
Anyway, so lifes pretty alright at the moment. There are downsides, of course, but I think I'm dealing with them alright. Sure, sure there is the occasional break down, but I seem to be bouncing back a lot better than I used to which is good <3. School is hard as hell, thats mostly whats been depressing me and completely breaking me down. I really hope I can get through this though. Once I can move in with my love <3 and there the lameness of living in different cities I think I will feel a lot better <3 and when I get out of school hopefully I will also feel a lot better xD!! Also hopefully I don't lose myself in the process of finishing school ._. I'm scurred that I'm slowly losing myself, but I've been trying not to do that... and I think I've been able to regain some of me <3 so thats good ^-^.
OH OH ALSO, I'm starting to learn Japanese, wish me luck! I'm going to try my best to stick with it!
So far I can count from 1 to 19. And I know a good portion of the colors <3 | | |
| Have you ever had a moment where you look at your life, and it all just feels odd, but you know its real?
That seems to be happening to me more and more now, and its weird. But the overall outcome of what I see my life being, is exactly what I've always wanted, so there are no problems. The only bad thing is, I think, hormonal...
Seriously, I hate being female sometimes because I don't know if when I'm sad or irritated, if that is really really what I'm feeling or just a side effect, or heightened by hormones. I try to be level headed but there are times when its impossible and I know its irrational, but I can't help it. Today for example... it was reasonable for me to but upset at my Calculus professor, but irrational for me to hate the printer at home, or the temperature in the house.
I really have no reason to be posting here, but I feel the need to type.. like always it probably only makes sense to me and anyone who knows how I feel right now. Some reason I feel alone, but I know I'm not. I know that all I have to do is pick up the phone and call and I have someone to talk to. But it feels as though sometimes its easier for me to just wallow, or feel bad. Its easier to just cry and then move on the next day. But then I don't know if I am comfortable with living like that for the rest of my life, and I am scarred to think if this is hormones right now... how will I be later in life when I get old it gets worse... or everything else hormonal.. its just weird to think about.. I dont like thinking about it.
Also, I hate not knowing where I'm going to be in 6 months from now. I hate waiting, I don't like the idea of other people deciding my future.. I don't like not being in control, which is weird because I don't think I am a particularly controlling person.
I suppose its all important some how though.. life is life... and what that means I don't know... but I'm here... so I might as well live how I wish to live.. and right now, I know that if things go as planned I will be happy, and I will be able to pull through everything... its just time that I have to deal with... and the challenges to come.
Basically... right now I feel trotted on, depressed, confused, lonely, but I still know that my future will be amazing if I let it. But I'm still scared and I really hope things turn out how I want... I don't like changes from what I see... I want to be able to control my future to some extent...
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| And even fewer options...
So what can I do now?
Try.
And when that fails?
Relax.
And when I can't do that?
Wait.
Maybe then I will be able to get where I want to go. Where I will have choices and options, where I can say where I will and will not go... Maybe then I will really get to live my life.
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| I've been thinking a lot lately, partially because I've been forced to, and also just because I feel I need to. I've been putting certain things at the back of my mind for so long just because I've been either too scared to think about it, or I just didn't want to think about it. But, alas, life caught up with me and I really had no other option but to think, lame right? Well maybe not.
Currently I am going through the worst separation from someone I love that I've even had to deal with, which in a way is going to make people think that I'm over reacting because it really hasn't been as much of a separation yet. But it does matter to me because I know that there is physical distance between us and I hate that. I this is the one and only person I want to see everyday, and be with 24/7, the person I get along with the best, the closest person to me and the person I think the most about. Any distance is too much distance between me and this amazing person.
Of course the part that makes it excruciating for me is that I can't even visit, my parents are set in their decision, and really I don't think theres anything I can do until I move out. Thinking about that makes me want to cry because I'm so damn frustrated, and I can't do anything about it, I can't change anything until 6 months.
I'm not worried about a break up because I know that won't happen, I know that everything will be okay in the long run, because this is the person I see myself marrying and living with and growing old with. Yeah sure I'm 19, but the past year and almost 7 months have been the best ever. Regardless of what age I am I know what I have and I'm not letting go cause I know whos in my future and at least thats one constant, and I love him ^0^.
Now, that feeling reminds me that this horrible distance... is a good thing, in the long run because in two years he will be done and will hopefully start working, which is good because then we can be closer to a real life together. So maybe I just need to stop thinking about the distance as the worst thing ever, and just as an obstacle we have to get thru and my parents as just another obstacle. It just irks me that I'm being nailed here, and that he has to do all the driving... and all the visiting... its unfair, and I told my parents that, and they agree but are set in their decision that I can't be alowed to visit my boyfriend in his place. I hate that I have to go along with this, I hate that I know that I can't move out and do what I want, I hate that I don't want to be a disappointment to my parents, I haaaaaaaateeeeee distance. But... I love what I think my life with be in 10 years... I love that I really see the important parts fall into place. I don't however see myself in the field I want to do, but maybe thats just because I have very little faith in myself.
I don't know what the point of this post was, but I do feel a little better because I'm seeing the bigger picture again... its pretty... but right now its not I'm way more depressed than I think I've been in awhile and it comes and goes at the drop of a hat. Any thought or mention of the topic will get me worked up... Lifes not fair... I know it can be worse, but thats not making me feel any better, its still hurts even though I know everything will be fine.
I guess I just have to suck it up and deal right? Being upset all the time will do nothing but slow it all down, it just sucks, thats all I guess I have to say.
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